Day 31, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

lu biscuits (1)
dinosaur biscuit (1.5)
pasta with tomato and cheese (6)
pistachos (1.5)
turkey sandwich (3.5)
bran bake (2)
cheese on toast (3)
digestive biscuit (1)
corn cake (0.5)

20 points out of 20 allowed

I took my vitamin tablet

Exercise: At least 1 hour walking

Day 30, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

salad sandwich with cheese and brown bread (6)
apple (0)
mandarine (0)
corn cakes (1)
lu biscuits (1.5)
bran bake 2
cheese on brown bread with sauce (4)
pasta salad (5)
corn cake (0.5)

20 points out of 20 allowed

I had my vitamin tablet

Day 29, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

corn cake (1)
biscuit (1.5)
2 bread santé (3)
corn cake (0.5)
biscuit (2.5)
brown bread turkey (4)
brown bread tuna (6)
bran bake (2)
apple and tangerine (0)
corn cake (0.5)
_____________________________________

19 points out of 20 allowed

I did take my vitamin tablet

I did not do any exercise that was not walking to and from the bus stop

Day 28, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

1 month on my diet today. Happy Diet Birthday !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Points

lentils (1.5)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
bread and sante and onion (1.5)
bran bake (2)
corn cake (0.5)
bran bake (2)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
lu biscuit (1.5)
corn cake (2)
2 bread sauce (3)
tangerine (0)
corn cake (1)

18 points out of 20 allowed

I have took my vitamin tablet

I did limited but quick walking from and back to the bus stop.

Day 27, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

(The baby above is just from the internet)

I am not quite sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing when I went to see Paula yesterday. This morning, when I woke up, I felt an urge of happiness, like something incredible had happened, and a second later I realized that that marvelous thing wasn't even anything that had happened to me, just to somebody else. I see the mother tired, every single moment dedicated to that baby, sharing that with her husband, feeling that incredible feeling, and I feel envy and desire for that for myself. Don't get me wrong, I do feel very happy for the parents, but what I felt was envy, there is no denying it. Every now and again I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, she was so beautiful, and I just wanted my own there and then.

I told X. that I felt like crying, and he looked at me in worry, said that it was not normal, and that now I was getting better this could mean I could get worse again. I had to switch a program of the tele, as a woman was going to give birth, and I just couldn't bear to see the moment that they put it on her. I even dreamed about having babies the night before. There is one thing I am really sure about is that I want to be a mother, and that I will be a good one.

And I know he is right, no thinking or wishing, or daydreaming is neither going to make me better or get me any nearer having a baby of my own. I just have to push it out of my mind, keep it as a reference to motivate and help me do things, but no obsessing will help. Maybe if I look at those horrible teenagers I can put myself off for the time being, and just imagine that it will turn into one of those.

At least I have a very strong motivation that will help me do all the things to get better. For example, the best thing for my anxiety is yoga, pilates, taichi, exercise, and meditation. I will never go bed again without doing meditation, and one of the other things.

I think in one way when I felt happy this morning is because I can see having children as a near reality. But I am finding it very hard to stop thinking about babies, and every so often, I feel very sad and I want to cry. When this passes however, I can see having a baby in the very near future, and I feel positive.

corn cake 1
sante 0.5
cereals 2.5
tangerine 0
biscuit 1.5
lentils (3.5)
bread + 1 cheese (2.5)
corn cake (0.5)
biscuits 1.5
apple (0)
2/3 of a bran bake (1.5)
picked at some pasta of xu, not much, but I will put more points (3)

18 points out of 20 allowed

Exercise: 20 minutes bike, some pilates

Did not take vitamin tablet

So my weight is looking good, even though I would prefer to wait til Wednesday to make it official. Everything is looking good, so in that way I have to continue. Tomorrow I will have been 1 month on the diet (My god, doesn't time fly?)

Day 25, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

pumpkin pure (5)
salad (tuna, egg, onion, salad, mayonnaise) : 5.5
brown bread (2)
8 lu biscuits (4)
cheese onion on toast (1.5)
cheese on corn cake (1)
pistachos 8 units (1)
apple (0)
mandarins x 2 (0)
_________________________________________

20 points out of 20

Took Vitamin

Didn't do any exercise.

So, see what I weigh next Wednesday. My goal is to weigh 75. something for the 1st of March.

Apples are supposed to be very good for anxiety, as well as diets, and they have all sorts of other good properties, so I will definitely try to eat more of them.

To answer your question, no, I do not go to my altar. It is something that would really help me, together with pilates and yoga, but I do not do it. I know I am doing well, but I really have to make the effort to do these other things as well.
A famous tennis player that has breathing problems does yoga and these has increased his breathing capacity. I really have to do the same.

Day 23, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

turkey sandwich: (5)

digestive biscuits x 3 = (4.5)

corn cakes (1.5)

fitness bar (1.5)

pistachos (1.5)

poached eggs with toast (5)

___________________________________________

19 points out of 20 points

Took my vitamin 

No specific exercise, but I can really feel that at least I walk more now.

I am really tired, I have my period, a lot of snot, and I suppose I am having an early night. I hope to walk at least one way tomorrow. Maybe I will get the bus back as my period always make my legs hurt a lot, and if I go mad walking maybe I will make myself bad for work in the afternoon.

Day 21, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

So today is the 3 week landmark.

Today I only had proteins for supper, and I did exercise. Don't really know if I can keep that up long term (I mean, just eating protein at night) it is bloody hard, I feel so hungry now I feel quite sick. So maybe it is not a good idea. The problem is, that proteins have so many points, that the two diets clash, so I end up not having enough. When you are on a protein diet you can eat as much as you like, but because I am counting points as well, it is difficult.

Anyway, my points:

3 rounds of poach egg on toast (8)
2 digestive biscuits (3)
pistachos (0.5)
fitness bar (1.5)
pistachos 40 grams (6)
19 points out of 20 allowed

Had my vitamin tablet!

Did exercise: 20 minutes on bike, 10 to 15 minutes walking to and from bus, some pedaling on my real bike

So I am really hungry, and in a bad mood as I find it IMPOSSIBLE to find a way of making mint ice-cream. All my contacts in US, have stopped shipping outside of their stupid country. Anyway, I am pleased I did all things: vitamin tablet, points, exercise... as well as my other achievements...

By the way, why don't you write your blog? I am sick of that pic of those cats.

P.S. I had my last point and had a corn cake with a cheese slice and a tangerine. Both the tangerine and the corn cake had carbs, but I was just feeling ill from hunger. However, I have not broke my diet, I have just broke the intention of having just protein.

Day 20, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

lentils (5)
cheese sante on toast (1.5)
2 corn cakes (1)
chese sante on toast (3)
pistachos (1)
rice (8)
1 corn cake (0.5)
1 tangerine
___________________________--

20 out of 20 points

Have not took my vitamin tablet

Have not done any exercise

Not much to say, Monday tomorrow and will have been 3 weeks of my diet.
I am doing well but on the other hand, there is loads of room for improvement. So another week of getting closer to my goals. Step by step.

Day 19, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

It feels very upseting to me when you can't keep your diet. I suppose I think in your case it really is bad for your health, and it worries me. However I can understand that it is very hard not to lose weight, to be in the house all day, to not be able to do exercise, all those things together must make feeling hungry very hard to take. But you have lost weight in the past, and even if you could lose a 10% of your actual weight, your general health would really benefit. I am losing weight for other reasons than my health. It is very important for me to do so, but many a time I could just drop in the numb pleasure of stuffing myself whilst looking at some crap on the tele (like coronation street)

When I get the corrie this time I plan to bike a lot whilst I watch it.

When my cold goes I want to really have a week when I exercise a lot. I want to see if it makes a big difference to what I lose.

Anyway, my points for today are:

paella rice and a small piece of bread at espes (10) (no idea if this is true or not, but I had a small portion and really tried to make it last)

2 digestive biscuits (3)

cheese biscuits (3)

2 rounds of toast with santé cheese and onion (3)

pistachos nuts (8 units) (1 point)

tangerines x 2

_______________________________________

Total 20 points out of 20 points

Did not take my vitamin tablet

Did not do any exercise

2 When I put something in red, it means I did not do well.

So really get into it tomorrow, you have as much will power as any other person, you really have to get your motivations going. As I said before, I think it must be very hard for you being in the house all day, and night is the worst time, at least for me to be hungry. I am very hungry now, but, I can't bring myself to have any extra points, I might do it one day, but at the moment I feel too guilty to do it.

A motivation I would like you to have, is that I am really making a sacrifice to get myself well in every sense, so I can bit by bit travel, and eventually come to see you, lead a normal life and have a child. I would really like you to be around to witness this. But now that you are getting older and you have the weight on you,  sometimes I worry. I know that you will probably not live to be 80 (hope you do), but I would really like you to be around to share all these  moments in my life. I am aiming to look good, feel good, leave anxiety out of my life, do normal things and have a child. I really want you to share that, I really want you to be there when I am going to give birth and when my child is part of our world. So do it for me, and for dad, and of course for yourself. Go hungry even if it sucks and it will come of, you will lose weight however slowly it comes off. 

I think you are sometimes a bit like me, an "all or nothing person", which is not good. I try to be more balanced in that way, but it is hard. You don't lose weight so your reaction is to go to the other extreme and eat loads of food to compensate.

I feel like I have come to a turning. I have passed this same turning many a time, but I kept ignoring the good turn and carried on in circles. The reason I carried on in circles is because the bad turning takes you nowhere. I can spend my wholelife going round in circles, but I don't want to. I want my life back. I want a child, I want a good figure, and the freedom not to depend on others or whatever space I am in to feel okay. It is a bloody hard turning, I could just at this moment eat and eat, I am so hungry, but now that I am fully aware of what I have been doing wrong for so many years, I can't go back. Like I can't go back to going on the bike and avoiding the bus. Like in a couple of month (easter maybe) I want to go with you to the Torrelodones shopping centre where there is Zara and such shops,and buy clothes for my slimmer figure and show myself I can travel that bit further to such a shopping centre, and carry on taking more and more painful steps that after I have done them I always know that they were for the best.  As I write I feel stronger, and even angry. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be fat, and I am SO LUCKY, that both my problems can be helped by myself and solved just by myself. Okay, I cannot avoid having panick attacks all my life (or maybe I can, but this is not the issue), but I can stop avoiding situations and making anxiety into a big snowball instead of just doing what I should: accepting the attack and going on with life instead of avoiding and making the problem 100 times worse and creating a stupid phobia. I can look after my health and live a normal life as long as I take care of myself and live a healthy life.

Now, I have been well, and I have been slim, and I can have all of that, and more. Because I deserve it, because I don't really have any sort of complex anymore. Because with hard work, all can be obtained. I will not look at my life pass by and live wishing things were different and complaining. I am going to to make that reality I want for myself instead of living it in my head. A reality where my clothes fit me, I travel, and I have a baby. I have been a 100% before, I am going to be so again.

Day 18, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

3 rounds of toast with poached eggs (8)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
chocolate bran with smidge of ice-cream (3)
pistachos (1)
corn cake (0.5)
sante cheese and toast (1.5)

tangerine x 2 (or 3?) (0)

cooked apple with yoghurt and bran bake (3)

18.5 out of 20 allowed

I took my vitamin tablet

I have not done any exercise

So I made myself a diet apple pie. How? Well I boiled an apple. The skin just fell off, and I cut it up and sprinkled some cinnamon on it, then cut an all bran bake in two and put in top and then put a apple pie flavoured diet yoghurt on top. And there I had a 3 point treat. It was so filling, that I couldn't finish it, and now hours after I still feal very full, I think it may be the bran that has that affect on me.

It is hard to think of exercise when having this cold, not that I was thinking much of it before the cold. That is the worst part of my diet at the moment, the lack of exercise. I really have to bring it on.

Oh, and I am still missing one tape with about 2 or even 3 episodes of diet trials, I have gone through all the videos and cannot find it. I am really mad about it, I have so many crappy tapes and one that I really want has disappeared. Oh well.

Day 17, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

turkey sandwich (3.5)
corn cake (1)
pistachos (1.5)
digestive (1.5)
pasta (4.5)
cheese biscuits (3)
fitness bar (1.5)
2 rounds of sante on brown toast with onion (3)
4 pistachos (0.5)
tangerine (0)
_______________________________________

Total of 20 points out of 20

Did not take my vitamin tablet

Did not do any exercise (except the walking from and to the bus)

I am glad with my progress at both operation X and operation Y. I feel a bit out of it because of my cold, but I am not really ill, but enough to make me not feel right, a lot of sneezing and so on, and I certainly notice the difference in my energy levels (very low). I bought some cleansing milk from mercadona, their own make, 1 euro it cost me. I am going to try it tonight. Not much else to say, I think I am going bed soon, got a massage in the morning, so that is something to look forward to.

Reading dietgirl's blog, she mentioned making pikeklets, but to me it sounds wrong, check out the recipe she gives http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/5757/pikelets

Day 16, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points

digestive biscuit (1.5)
pasta with cheese and frito (6)
corn cake (0.5)
pistachos (1.5)
fitness bar (1.5)
beans on toast (3.5)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
corn cake with santé (1)
pistachos (1.5)
tangerine (0)
1 corn cake (0.5)
2 extra strong mints (0)
__________________________________________

Total 19 out of 20 points

Had my vitamin tablet

Didn't do any real exercise (But, the walking I do to and from the bus is about 10 minutes quick walk, which is 10 minutes more than I was doing before).

The bad thing was I didn't have any fruit today, however, I sometimes have some whilst watching the tele at night, but I have the feeling I will be going bed earlier, so that means no fruit. I must have some during the day tomorrow.

If the weather permits, I should be having a good walk tomorrow. That will do me good in all aspects.

I am saving money by not buying crap, some nights I would spend up to 6 o 7 euros. I would buy pringles (2 euros), some chocolate, probably something to put in a sandwich, bread... so times that by 5 times a week, and I also bought crap at the weekend as well. So that will be a save in everyway, in my money and in my health (they must miss me, my money I mean, but I do go in every now and again for some bread, and occasionally for some cheese biscuits, but I have gone from entering the shop everyday, sometimes twice, to once a week.

So weigh in was better than I thought. For me 600 grams, just over half a kilo is fine. I would like to lose a bit more other weeks, but as an average weight loss per week it is fine. I felt like the woman, wanting to hold some balloons as I stepped on the wii. I bet Dad would like to get on the wii. So now, I am 77.3, not bad, I hope next week to be 76 something, and I CANT WAIT to be 75 something, as that means I am as near the 70's as the 80's, and that feels very good. You can click and see my progress here (If you do this you will lose this window, so you will have go back to continue reading)

I know that losing weight is more difficult for you than for me, you lose it slowly and you have more to lose, so you need even more willpower than I do. Stick to it, we will get there in the end.

As for warming up bran bakes, (only do so for about 5 to 10 seconds) I think it is worth it, the smell comes out lovely, and very nice with a bit of icecream or a yoghurt. I am thinking of cooking apples, and adding some cinnamon and a natural yoghurt. Might as well have a go and see.

I am also thinking of trying different approaches to the diet each week, see how I lose more weight. For example, one week eat a lot more protein than carbs, another not have any bread or carbs at night, another cut out all fat, and see what has the best results. But whatever way I do it I WILL ALWAYS DO THE POINTS, I will just change how I administrate the points. Anyway, this is an ambition of mine, but I will have to see, the most important thing is to eat a varied diet, keep to my points and stick to it.

On diet trials they say that if you diet without exercise you lose a lot of muscle, but if you diet and exercise, you lose more fat, so I do really want to increase my exercise. It is so good for your mind and body in general. Even if I didn't need to lose any weight I should still try to exercise.

Anyway, a long post, hope you have not fell asleep. Day 17 tomorrow!

P.S. I have just had my tangerine, so I have had fruit.

Day 15, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

fitness bar (1.5)

1 corn cake (0.5)

pistachos (1.5)

2 rounds of brown toast with sante and onion (3)

1 digestive biscuit (1.5)
60 grams of pasta (weight when not cooked) (4)
frito (1)
cheese (1)

hot bran bake with a smidge of ice-cream (2.5)

1 digestive biscuit (1.5)

mandarine (0)

______________________________________________________-

Total 18 out of 20 points

Took Vitamin

Did no exercise

Did some meditation (not much)

I am quite happy with several little steps I am making in my life towards progress. My diet it a part of this, and an important part, I just don't like the look of being fat. It depends on the person, some people look fine with some extra weight, they still have a nice complexion and pretty features. But I just look awful, I look a lot better now, but I don't look how I want to look. It will be a slow plod towards getting under the 70's, but I will go there.

Weigh in tomorrow, but I don't expect much of a loss, but any loss will be welcome.

Day 14, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

Rice: (green and red pepper, onion, 4 points of rice, 3 oil, 1.5 frito) (8.5)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
pistachos (0.5)
1 round turkey sandwich (2)
fitness bar (1.5)
2 rounds of sante and bread (1.5)
rice cake plus cheese (1)
pistachos (1.5)
1 piece of chocolate (1)
1 mandarine (0)
_________________________________-

20 points out of 20 allowed

I took my vitamin tablet

I did not do any exercise

. See how much I weigh on Wednesday... The rice was not worth all those points, it was nice, but nothing to go mad on, for less pointsI could have had some pasta or rice with just frito and some cheese and it would have been nicer and less points. I will learn from my mistakes. I would like to do some exercise, I am not going to get far like this. But I am hungry at night, that must mean something.

Day 13, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

Points:

corn cake (0.5 point)

digestive biscuit (1.5 point)

pistachos nuts 8 units (1 point)

pisto (green and red pepper, tinned tomato, onion, courgettes) (0) + the oil (5)

brown bread (2)

pistachos (1.5)

pistachos (1)

a peach (0)

corn cake (0.5)

bran bake with icecream (3.5)

1 sante on 1 round of bread (1.5)

1 turkey on 1 round of bread (2)

20 points out of 20 allowed

Didn't take my vitamin tablet

Didn't do any exercise

I have made some really nice looking rice for tomorrow. It has 8.5 points! 3 from the oil, 4 from the rice, and 1.5 from the frito, it also has onion and green and red pepper. As soon as Xuko saw it he changed his mind about having cold rice salad. He looked at it with a look of hunger. I said: I thought you wanted rice salad, I offered this and you said you didnt want it. Yes, he said, but I didnt know it would look and smell like that. So I had to make him the same. I put a bit of curry powder in it as well. I could eat it now, but of course I can not. I feel hungry. However I am quite sure I have not lost much. I need to do some exercise as well or I am going to lose more slowly than I want to. Well, see what I weigh on Wednesday.

Been on the diet 2 week from tomorrow!

My goal. For March 1st I have to be 75 something, even if it is 75.9. That is 4 weeks to lose 2 kilos. It would be great to lose some more, but that is my minimum.

P.S. I saw that flower quilt to the single bed in my linen cupboard.

Day 12, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

(Edited Sunday Morning)

Points:

Sante on toast (1.5)
digestive biscuit (1.5)
12 pistacho nuts (1.5)
food at espe (chickpeas and cabbage, because of oil and small piece of bread)(7)
tini pack of cheese biscuits (3)
bread with cheese (4)

pear (0)

mandarine (0)

pistachos nuts (1.5)

20 points from 20 points allowed

Have not taken my vitamin tablet

Have not done any exercise

I think that to lose half a kilo is very good, you cant say you havent eaten pleanty of different things, toast and bread, beans, bran bars, I go hungry as well, but you must admit that we eat pleanty. If you feel it is not suiting you, you can swith to calories, but you have to continue and get to the end of the diet.

I am quite sure that my weight loss will slow down from now on. That is the reason it is important that I do some exercise as well. It is not easy, more than often I have wanted to comfort myself with some food. But I won't. And if the day comes that I will, I will go straight back on the diet.

I dont think people have more will power than others. I think that will power comes from motivation and practice. I want the end result more than I want the quick pleasure of eating something nice in a difficult moment.  I keep imagine the nice spring days, when it gets warm, near the summer, and I go and come from work. The sort of days that make you want to walk outside and wear less clothing, and then I want to be a lot thinner. I picture how I will look and feel. I know that if I dont keep to this diet I will have failed myself. I know that I need to show myself I can control things and have the willpower to do so. I really wish that my other problem would be so "easy" to solve. But it is not, and will take longer, however I do it, to get the anxiety out of my system. Being thin will help that, and knowing that I have done it. Self confidence in one's abilities is very important.

My skin looks very much better. I am sure it is due to the following things:

I have cleaned my skin every single night (I have not done that, with that consistency for maybe years)

I have facial massages

I eat better things

I have been taking vitamins with more consistency than ever in the past

I told E. and she said that she could really notice it. I know your opinion is not great of her, but as she heard me talking of the massages and she was saying how much better I was looking, she had a fit of happiness and came and gave me two effussive kisses, saying that she was so glad that I was getting better, that it would make her really happy if I could get properly well. I felt a bit embarrased, as I always do from any signs of affection, but I do know her feeling was sincere and was glad of it.  She said that the face is the mirror of how we feel, so I suppose know that my skin is improving it is showing a healthier me. I find myself looking a lot in the mirror, because I look so different, and I find it hard to believe that the smooth skin really belongs to my complexion. 

There is no point in sitting and wishing things are different. Hard work done by only myself can make the world I want to live in. It is hard, even painful sometimes, like when you try to touch your toes and stay like that, but nothing that is worth it is easy, and my life has been on hold for too long.

Day 11, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

I have changed the title of the "Operation", as I don't only want to look good, I want to feel good, and the later is the most important. I do not only include my diet, but all the other exercises that I can do to improve my well being and my health.

Points for the day:

turkey sandwich: (4)
biscuit (?) (1.5)
2 corn cakes (1)
cheese biscuits (3)
20 grams pistacho (3)
cauliflower (0)
oil and vinegar (3)
bread (1)
corn cake (0.5)
pear
mandarine
10 grams of pistacho (1.5)
10 grams of piscacho(1.5)

20 points out of 20

Had my vitamin tablet

No exercise

Day 10, Operation Looking GOOD

Today's points:

2 digestive biscuits (3)
poached egg with toast (5)
sante cheese on 2 toast (3)
bake cake choc (2.5)
corn cake (0.5)
turkey sandwich (4)
mandarine (0)

Total 18 points out of 20 points

Had my vitamin

Did no exercise :(

Things that I want to change about my diet: At the moment I have just focused on losing weight and points counting. I have had fruit, but not enough veg, and I havent been eating a lot of protein, fish and so on, and I also want to eat lentils. Be healthier in general, do more than 1 times a week exercise (more like 4 times a week). I really want to meditate at least once a day.

Day 9, Operation Looking GOOD

Official weigh in: 77.9 kilos

Points for the day:

poached eggs on bread: (5 points)
2 digestive biscuits (3 points)
corn cake (0.5 points)
fitness bar (1.5)
mandarine (0)
2 bread with tomato and cheese (3 points)
1 corn (0.5)
bran bake (2)
_______________________________________

15.5 out of 20 points :)

No exercise :(

No vitamin tablet :(
____________________________________

On the one hand I feel slimmer, I know that after a few months I will be very near to be a normal healthy weight, and after another few months a slim size. I would like to weigh between 65 to 68 kilos, if I feel happy with how I look weighing this. So the wii says, when I weigh 73 kilos, with my height, I will be a healthy weight, but of course that is being in the limit of what a healthy weight is. But anyway, in 5 months, that is more than enough time to lose 10 kilos, I would only have to lose 2 kilos a month.

SO, if I could be 67 for the summer, I would be very very pleased.