I am quite disgusted at the size of my waist. Over 90 cms, Xuko has a thinner waist! I know that I never had a very thin waist, but that is ridiculous...

I feel I need some sort of shape to my diet. True, I have not been having crap this week except one day (a big different to the other weeks when I was having crap nearly every day). However, I have to either count calories, or points, or stop eating goodies, or something, if I just float and leave it to what comes up, then I will over eat, like tonight that I had some cheese sandwiches, and it felt too much.

SO, I am going to do points. I am going to look for my point book, and register my points everyday.

I keep thinking we could get a few things from the foodhall. The problem is, I think we might go mad, and just end up pigging out. Louise send she was going to pop in. I might ask her if she can buy me a crunchie bar and a packet of stuffing.

Another problem is, I am starting to really think I have some sort of allergy or intolerance. I have been having milk this week, and I am starting to think that it is not a bug I had, but a reaction. Yesterday, just after eating cereals with milk (which I have been eating this week after months of not having it) I got the same headache again, and I felt a bit sick. If I really do have some sort of allergy, cutting out these foods would really help my general health. If it wasn't for the 2 tiny tablets I take a day, that contain lactose, I would try as the doctor suggested a 20 day without lactose. It can even make you have sinusitis as it aggravates the mucose. I might get out of those tablets over the holidays so that I can try out this elimination diet. I know it might seem trivial, but something has not suited my stomach since my teenage years, and I really think if I could find out what it is (I am sure it is either milk related, if not, nut related as I have been eating a lot of nuts this week).

It is important that I do keep to a really good diet this month. It is not just the losing weight, it is gaining confidence in my willpower and ability to achieve. I really feel the tic toc of getting better. I know I cant do it all at once, but I have to be really part of the plan, I talk more about this on the journal on my computer. Before I am 33, I want to have achieved in getting myself sorted out in many ways, or at least be fully on the road of getting better.

I have noticed a lot of difference since not taking that last bit of tablet. I get very cross when about the fact I started taking them in the first place. I am quite sure, especially as I had already been leaving the house to visit dad at the hospital, that I would have got better normally. But, you can't go back in time, and I don't know for sure anyway. All I know, it like I have waken up to real life. It feels different.

It will be a slow and many times not pleasant road. I have been ill for so many years, I have fixed paths built into my mind that will take a time and pain to elminate. It actually makes losing weight seem like a doodle. All I have to do is not eat too much and exercise and hey presto, I get a result. I think that is another reason why I want to lose the weight, because I know how easy it is really.

I think I am getting less materialistic. I do want new clothes,but that is it. I dont want expensive ones either, I just want nice ones, just to look nice. I know that anything I can buy with money can't give me the happiness I want. What do I want? What is the dreamlist I would like in my life?

-To have good mental health and all the benefits that would come with it: Travelling, indepence, freedom

-To be able to help others

-To have at least one child. I know it would be such a beautiful thing to share with Xuko. And i would also like to share this with my family.

I think anything else after this, is secondary. I don't want a great payed job. I would like not to have to work long hours, I would prefer to live a simple life than have to work hard to pay for a more luxury life.

It doesn't ache not being able to have a child at the moment. I do want one, I do think about it, but it is not painful, as it was some years ago.

Its all about taking responsability and direction in my life.