Meditation Altar

I will dress my altar differently depending on my mood, the occasion etc. I have not quite finished as I have to put some things on the back of the wall.

Crackers

Creatures in comfort

Age

We are all afraid of getting old, or are we not? I never thought it would bother me, but it does, more than anything because people thing I am older than I really am. I think a lot of it has to do with stress.

But what is terrible is to have been very beautiful, and to lose it. That must really hurt. Just look at Ali from love story. I thought she was so very pretty, and now she looks like a zelda lookalike (from Terrahawks).

And they actually look better in the flesh! All I need now is the cracks to come, and the hats. I am thinking of putting a few roses/quality streets in each cracker, together with a couple of jokes printed on coloured paper and the hats. I think they look really good, and much better than the jokes being in English and no-one (but me) understanding them. And everyone will eat the chocs. (As the chocs are wrapped they will be fine in the crackers. ). I think I can get the roses/quality streets from carrefour. I also thought that when you are here we could have as a treat some roses and/or quality streets. I am also going to make you and Dad a cracker. And we could not only buy some coleslaw, we could also make some fresh with cabbage onion and carrots, it is dead quick in the thermomix.

Quick update: I am going to make the crackers, I got some doublesided sticky tape today. I am going to do one for each couple, and put two hats in them.

Does it look easy? Well it is not.

Looks SO easy, but it is not. And imagine doing it 24 times. I have decided AGAINST doing crackers, it will be a nightmare, and then they probably will not pop, I have been experimenting and I just CANT. I will ring Tim and see if the crackers are the same this year (bet they are)



Having said that: God, it feels such a waste of money to get the same crap. I just know that if I make them myself they will take much longer. I just feel ill thinking about it, one thing is making a cake, and another is making 24 crackers! It will seem like the never ending story. I don't know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF i was giving a xmas do myself, with a select group of no more than 8 maybe okay, but it seems such a chore. I know... I have bought the bangs, I have bought the hats... But GOD, I just cant see me doing them, I am not exactly Miss Neat and Tidy when it comes to cutting and gluing either. Oh Dear!

My oh My

Well, I got up this morning leaving X in bed. I went straight to the wiifit, and before doing any exercise (I haven't been doing much this first week of diet, to say none) I did the weigh in test. I was quite surprised, to see I had gone up nearly a kilo, from 79 to 79.8. I have not been eating crap, and have been eating a lot more sensibly, but as I said yesterday, without a plan, it is not enough to actually lose weight. I may go toilet and then weigh half a kilo less (this often happens). However, what is for sure is that I have not lost weight, even though the official weigh in is on Wednesday so there is time to make amends.

SO, I am going to write everyday what I eat and when. And I am going to add up the points. I am basically going to eat more veg, fruit and lean protein, do some exercise everyday etc

I did a lot of exercise, and then centered on yoga and then some pilates. My breathing really improved and I felt and feel very well from this. One of the key points to leaving behind anxiety is breathing. If I am consistent with these exercises, I will breath properly, and then I won't get anxious. It does sound very simple, but it is certainly one of the most important parts. So EVERYDAY, I will record that I have done my breathing exercises.

One of the key points to having willpower is motivation. That is why I want to renew my motivation daily, thinking of goals, reading motivating reasons to do things, reading other inspirational texts etc. I think that when somebody abandons a goal, is that they lose touch with their motivations, and because of this the willpower disminishes. Breaking habits are a problem as well, if you get into the habit of writing everything you eat everyday, and then one day you don't do it, and then another, then in the long run you will break the habit all together. Bad habits are much easier to acquire as they don't need any motivation to be formed. However, once they are formed, they become as much as a habit as the bad ones.

So my blog will be my way of monitoring all of these things. Even if I go mad, even if I have a binge, I will write it down.

I am sitting here, and it is surprising how good and better you can feel from just breathing better. There are key things that will improve my anxiety problems up to 70%, and I have not done it. I will this time, this month is not just about losing weight. I have the goal to lose 4 kilos, and I don't know if I will get there or not, the important thing to me is to diet everyday and try to get there. If I end up losing just 2 kilos, I will be happy as well. But the doing of the breathing exercises everyday, I DO have to do everyday, it is much more important than losing weight. I am prepared to lose weight slowly if I can be consistent in my other more important goals.

P.S Maybe dreaming of crunchies is fattening after all.

I am quite disgusted at the size of my waist. Over 90 cms, Xuko has a thinner waist! I know that I never had a very thin waist, but that is ridiculous...

I feel I need some sort of shape to my diet. True, I have not been having crap this week except one day (a big different to the other weeks when I was having crap nearly every day). However, I have to either count calories, or points, or stop eating goodies, or something, if I just float and leave it to what comes up, then I will over eat, like tonight that I had some cheese sandwiches, and it felt too much.

SO, I am going to do points. I am going to look for my point book, and register my points everyday.

I keep thinking we could get a few things from the foodhall. The problem is, I think we might go mad, and just end up pigging out. Louise send she was going to pop in. I might ask her if she can buy me a crunchie bar and a packet of stuffing.

Another problem is, I am starting to really think I have some sort of allergy or intolerance. I have been having milk this week, and I am starting to think that it is not a bug I had, but a reaction. Yesterday, just after eating cereals with milk (which I have been eating this week after months of not having it) I got the same headache again, and I felt a bit sick. If I really do have some sort of allergy, cutting out these foods would really help my general health. If it wasn't for the 2 tiny tablets I take a day, that contain lactose, I would try as the doctor suggested a 20 day without lactose. It can even make you have sinusitis as it aggravates the mucose. I might get out of those tablets over the holidays so that I can try out this elimination diet. I know it might seem trivial, but something has not suited my stomach since my teenage years, and I really think if I could find out what it is (I am sure it is either milk related, if not, nut related as I have been eating a lot of nuts this week).

It is important that I do keep to a really good diet this month. It is not just the losing weight, it is gaining confidence in my willpower and ability to achieve. I really feel the tic toc of getting better. I know I cant do it all at once, but I have to be really part of the plan, I talk more about this on the journal on my computer. Before I am 33, I want to have achieved in getting myself sorted out in many ways, or at least be fully on the road of getting better.

I have noticed a lot of difference since not taking that last bit of tablet. I get very cross when about the fact I started taking them in the first place. I am quite sure, especially as I had already been leaving the house to visit dad at the hospital, that I would have got better normally. But, you can't go back in time, and I don't know for sure anyway. All I know, it like I have waken up to real life. It feels different.

It will be a slow and many times not pleasant road. I have been ill for so many years, I have fixed paths built into my mind that will take a time and pain to elminate. It actually makes losing weight seem like a doodle. All I have to do is not eat too much and exercise and hey presto, I get a result. I think that is another reason why I want to lose the weight, because I know how easy it is really.

I think I am getting less materialistic. I do want new clothes,but that is it. I dont want expensive ones either, I just want nice ones, just to look nice. I know that anything I can buy with money can't give me the happiness I want. What do I want? What is the dreamlist I would like in my life?

-To have good mental health and all the benefits that would come with it: Travelling, indepence, freedom

-To be able to help others

-To have at least one child. I know it would be such a beautiful thing to share with Xuko. And i would also like to share this with my family.

I think anything else after this, is secondary. I don't want a great payed job. I would like not to have to work long hours, I would prefer to live a simple life than have to work hard to pay for a more luxury life.

It doesn't ache not being able to have a child at the moment. I do want one, I do think about it, but it is not painful, as it was some years ago.

Its all about taking responsability and direction in my life.

Crunchies

Better to dream about chocolate than have some... Dreaming does not make you fatter...

I obviously did not explain myself very well.

I want the WHOLE basket, so the thing that has to go, is something I HATE. Therefore, the bounty, that for tops is red i.e. dark chocolate (yuk)

The three things that MUST stay in the basket are: the crunchie, the mint aero and the flake.

SO there are no winners, I will have to keep my crackers to myself. And I have ordered for a pound a packet of 10 paper hats.

Diet

I am on my diet. I am eating a lot of veg. Yesterday I had the puree, today I had cabbage and chickpeas, tomorrow I am having brussels ... Tonight I was going to keep to just protein, and I made a cheese ommelette, however I did feel a bit sick, so I had some cereals and decided against the protein thing. I prefer a bit of variety, last time I did lose weight quickly but I felt quick sick all the time. This time I will just lose it the normal way even if it takes more time. I might do the points, its a good way of having a bif ot what you like without going over the top. In the past when I followed the points diet I did lose the weight as well... I will see. I only have had crap once this week, a great improvement. I really want to get to my end of the month goal.

CONTEST:

There is one item that has to go from that basket. What is it?

There are 3 must items in the basket? What are they?

PRIZE: A SuperDooper Deluxe Spanish Cracker

Please put answers as a comment

Just an extra quick mini post to say:

I LOVE PUMPKIN AND POTATOE PUREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is smooth, hot, creamy, tasty ... I just can't get it down fast enough, it is made with natural ingredients and not much virgen olive oil. It is the best winter meal in the world yummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

(If they are still in season I will make you some when you come)

P.S. And It clears my sinuses

Friday, 5 days in on the Diet

Well, yes, five days in on the diet. As I have had a some sort of bug or virus, I haven't been eating much, and certainly not crap. Yesterday however, I did have some crap, too much actually, as I felt really hungry after so many days of eating hardly anything. However, I won't let that be a habit, I have bought healthy fresh food today, veg and fish, and in that manner I will continue. I really want to lose that weight before the sales, 4 kilos will make all the difference.

Official weigh in on Wednesday, on both the scales and the wiifit: 79 kilos. Lets see next Wednesday.

I am feeling lately more positive and happy. I feel I am looking forward to many things in life, and I am happy with my life as it is now. Of course, I want to get well, and I am doing little things each day, and I can feel that I am on the path to getting better. I try not to look at the big picture to much, as it can be a bit daunting, just step by step, getting further and further on my own, traveling, doing things, so my confidence changes in my abilities to do things and with it the chemistry in my brain that makes everything seem as it does.

I am happy at my job, happy at home with X, and I have time and space to get myself in good health so that ultimately I can bring my child into this world.

First day, Goal, 4 kilos in 1 month

The first day of the month, a monday, countdown to the sales... what better moment that to start a diet, and general plan of leading a healthier life?

Well, I got on the wiifit, and put an objetive of losing 4 kilos this month. (Actually I made a mistake and put that I want to put on 4 kilos, so it was a really pain to change, I had to get on the wiifit with petit on my shoulder and convince it I had put on the weight. Having done that I managed to change it).

Official weigh in is on Wednesday. I have put just over a kilo on, and I am not surprised, during the summer I was swimming every day, now I am doing no exercise, and work does not count as exercise... So good food, exercise, a recording of what I eat, a vitamin everyday (the moment I get back from work it should be in my hand), and meditation/taichi/yoga. EVERYDAY, even christmas. I must say that I am not so tempted by those times, we don't have greedy things in the house, I am not such a fan of what people eat here at christmas, and I will just keep the portions small.

When I get to my first goal, and hit the sales, I won't go mad either, as under 70 is my ultimate goal... So I will buy just some things, that will look good when I lose weight.

..... I CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Will you diet with me mum? Track EVERYDAY your food in the blog? We can weight watch each other... by the way, I have the game of no deal downloaded, but not in my nds, but ready for when you come.

I haven't been writing this lately, maybe because I have a diary on the computer that I am doing more. It is really cold, I am tired, and I can't think of anything to put. I would at least like to record my food diary here.

Bet you didn't know that this game had come out?

Sunday Morning: 78. something. I was not bad, and not good yesterday. I am happy because I had fruit, veg, and lentils, but I also had a packet of crisps, some apple pie. The crisps are a type that I really liked and they stopped making them. Now, they have bought them back and they cost 70 cents more! Only because they have a few grams. When I had them, they didn't taste anything special, in general, the crap I can access to, doesn't taste special at all and not even worth having, being sometimes the reason that I eat just out of habit, boredom, or a sort of association with eating crap and relaxing or being compensated for being tired from work etc.

So I will try to continue more as the first day, eat pleanty of fruit and veg, nuts and lean protein, and when I do have a treat, have something i REALLY want, so that I enjoy it, not just eat things for the sake of it.

Detox

Well, it was not exactly a detox. I am not even sure to what point I believe in them after seeing a documentary on the bbc about this subject. However, I did think my body would benefit from cutting down and eating certain foods as a I way of starting my diet. I felt quite hungry, but I ate quite frequently, having soup, yogurt, quite a lot of fruit (a few tangerines, apple and a banana), a piece of fish, and at night I had one round of toast with a sante cheese on it (I wasnt going to have any bread, but in the end I felt a bit sick and did so). I also drank loads of water.

I didnt go toilet yesterday, or this morning, so I think I can safely say that I can have a yoghurt without having diarrhea, I think it is maybe when I have more than one, or too many creamy things.

I went on the scales, and I was 78 something, I think 78 8 o 7, not sure, I was half asleep, but I did look properly to make sure it was not 79 something and was 78 something, and it was, and that was all that seemed important. Then I am where I started, to continue my diet and finally do the next lap, which is to weigh less than 70 kilos, that is, minimum 69.9...

I have many reasons to lose the weigh, so I hope to continue this way...

Diet Time

I have over 2 months to lose a stone, that is, 7 kilos. I will say I want to to lose a minimum of 5 kilos, and ideally 7 to make the stone. I want to spend my Christmas money on clothes, and I just never got used to clothes for fat people, or fat sizes, I don't like the look on me of being fat.

I am not that fat anymore, at under 80 kilos (around 78 to 79 kilos) at a height of 172 I am just with about 1 stone overweight. I actually want to lose more than that, but I have to take things at a step at a time. I don't want to be a size 38, but a 40 to 42. (like a size 12 more or less) At the moment I am more like a bulging 14)

So diet and exercise together, motivation, will power to keep it up. Even though the diet starts by now, I will put the first weigh in on Wednesday Morning.

Monday

So I had my vitamin tablet, and fruit (banana) and cauliflower (veg) and chicken with fresh tomatoes, so I feel good even though I feel awful with my cold.

This is a continuation of the post below.

I felt a bit hungry so I had one round of toast with one santé cheese on it and two bites of a banana ( I will have the rest for breakfast ).

I did have the temptation to go down and get some crisps. But I have got out of the habit lately so it would be a pity to get back into it. I also really feel hard about wanting to look good. I really want to be able to go into shops and be able to buy the clothes that I see and for them to look how I want them to look. I was surprised that it stopped me enough. I have got into the habit of not eating right and it it hardly bothers me. I am glad that it is bothering me, maybe that will keep me being consistent.

I am sure these sort of food because of the chemicals in them have some sort of addictive properties. Especially pringles, I havent had any since Thursday. I remember when I lived in the other flat, I really got addicted to having a burguer king meal. I would go after work or at night, nearly every day, and for quite a few weeks. I would have chips, burguer, ice-cream. The people got to know me. It was one of the only times I was really conscious of being addictive to something. I am glad I got out of that habit.

Sunday

I have been ill today. I have slept a lot, and tried to drink liquids, and rest basically so that I will feel well tomorrow (or as well as I can). I will only go 2 hours out of the 3 to drawing so that I will be well rested for the afternoon. I will have to try to speak little and generally not tire myself as I have a general malestar.

I had my vitamin tablet and an apple, I havent pigged out on crisps or anything of the kind, but I havent particularly been on a diet. I dont weigh any more, I will try to buy some cauliflower tomorrow.

This is a hello kitty feng shui cat. They must be popular. I still think it is strange. I am sure that cat got me to clean out all my living room and then in a sinister way made sure he was the only ornament left.

I have a sore throat and a bit of a coff. I am drinking mint with honey and have some paracetamol near just in case, though I hate to take anything. I will try to eat some fruit today, and have my vitamin tablet, see if I do. The weather is terrible, raining without stopping, it scares me when I see all the floods and it makes me think that will happen to us.

Friday

Well, the English shop was a bad idea. I have been eating waffles and not had a piece of fruit or even my vitamin tablet. However, I have cut down on the crap: crisps ect.

I don't like the corn beef, it looks, smells like cat food.

I have included some feng shui cats. I still want the red one. it simbolizes something for me.

As you can see, you can even get feng shui cat families.

(Beginning of Wednesday below)

Update: I did what I wanted: I had a diet natural yogurt and a banana for supper, some more salmon, a couple of dry toast thingys with marge and then a musly and choc bar. At the academy I had half a musly and choc bar. SO i had no crisps, no chocs, and no crap.(Night is my worst time)

I ate: spinach, salmon, apple, banana AND i had my vitamin tablet. SO, I am happy. It may seem silly, it is just one day, but it is so hard to start. I will continue the same tomorrow.

I feel crap after eating crap, but especially after eating pringles. There is something in them that make me sick.

Wednesday

I am trying to change my frame of mind about Seur and Correos. Getting in a bad temper doesn't do anything for me.

I have had an apple, and my vitamin tablet, and now i am cooking salmon (fresh) spinach (frozen).

UPDATE: I have eaten the salmon and spinach, very nice, especially the spinach which I afterwards fried in a bit of oil and garlic. SO X has his fresh food for tomorrow.

The big prueba comes at night. I have a plan, see if I can keep to it.

I have just noticed my watch is wrong, it must be losing time, now I am in a rush.

MUM, IF YOU READ THIS DONT RING ME IN THE MORNING. I HAVE HAD A VERY BAD NIGHT AND WILL PROBABLY SLEEP A BIT LATER THAN USUAL

I had a sort of a good day, it started better than it finished.

Drawing was very good. I felt really good doing it, the place is nice, lots of light and roomy.

On my ride back I took some of the pictures you can see above. It was a great day, lovely weather.

I managed to also do house work, cook food for Xu (that after all my effort was not enough, sometimes I could kick his tuperware all over the kitchen and stamp on it).

I ate chicken, a pear... however tonight I had some crisps as well as the chicken and 2 packs, so I dont feel I have finished the day healthy. I am very tired, and feel quite ill and dizzy. I want to end the day as I have started it.

I feel a great urge to eat well.

I hardly have any fruit. Not that much veg either. I saw Wing eating grapes one day, and rice with pepper in it the other. I would like to eat better and tomorrow after drawing I will get some fruit from the shop. I suppose being pregnant you want to eat well, though I am sure she always eats well. I eat terribly lately. So I must give details in my blog everyday.

Monday is Monday. A good day to start. I have tidied out my own wardrobe today. When I look at clothes I know how I want to look in them, and I don't yet look that way. I haven't really got back on my diet since before the summer.

I can't get the hang of having a vitamin table either (I have had one in 2 weeks).

I have to start counting the points from the morning, or then I forget, or eat too much. Even if I do eat too much it would be something if I could at least put down what I have ate and list the points.

I still have the energy problem. I think it is a mix of many years of anxiety, bad timestables, bad food etc. I think of tomorrow and I feel tired, just thinking of 3 hours of drawing and 5 and a half hours at the academy. I know why I keep such bad timestables. I don't want to get up just to be in the house on my own with no purpose. It makes me anxious to be many hours on my own. But, the bad timestable is not any better so I had better address it. I will be getting up early on tomorrow as I have the drawing class. I don't know why I don't feel excited at the moment. I think I am just tired. The thing about being tired is that you don't feel any better not doing anything. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and sorting out this weekend and I have had my period and before that a stomach bug so I suppose it is normal not to feel too energetic.

So, plans for tomorrow. Eat better, write down points. Must remember to go earlier to the academy to sort out my classes.

I have finally found out the name of a song that appears on Denise's birthing tape in the Royle Family. One of the pieces I have always known it is the famous pie jesu version of Charlotte Church. However, the other piece escaped me. I now know that it is the flower duet by Delibes, part of the opera Lakme.

I have been doing the cleaning today. However, I still have a great deal of tiding out to do. A LOT. My wardrobe for one is such a mess. I also find so many of my clothes from before totally awful. When I had more weight on me I didn't wear such nice things, and many things seam old, tired looking, too big, or make me look big as they are designed to hide what is no longer there. I really want to sort out my wardrobe. I also want to sort out the spare room. When I have done those too rooms I just need to sort out the kitchen cupboard. Taking care with my clothes and appearance are really important, and make up for any unpleasant feelings that I get in the road of recovery. Looking good outside gives me more confidence. I would really like to plan also the day before what I am going to wear. I hate that running around not knowing what to put on. I must admit it is easier now as things fit me better. However, I would really like to plan in advance what I am wearing, AND remember to get my nightwear out the room as once X is asleep it is hard to retrieve it all. Another important thing is to take of my nice clothes when I get home. The cats or the sofas either cover me in hairs, or they snag them. Yesterday Poi snagged a good brown cardigan from Mango, now it looks awful, though I must admit that it already had a few tags and snears. I nearly forgot, I also near to sort out the other wardrobe that has some of my clothes in, underwair and loads of towels and sheets. Don't think I will get it all done this weekend but I want to make a good start. I have at least more or less sorted out the living room.

I will start counting tomorrow, my period has been heavy and I have felt too sick to follow any sort of diet.

I thought this point theme on the blog would be good for my "point" diet. My pointscalculator is small with points (dots) on it as well. I never used it as when I had been 1 week on the WW diet, I changed to the other diet (the low carb one). So you put in the calories and the fat and the amount and it calculates how many points. With standard products that are in my points book it is quicker just to look up their points. (Today, my student's couldn't believe that "there" and "their" is pronounced the same. I couldn't believe they thought so)

Sooooo later I will be pointing up. And on Wednesday I will weigh in...

P.S. HAHAHA There is a website that you hum a song to (through the microphone) that you don't know the title of. Then they find it for you!!! (This is the unbelievable bit). There is a song that I have wanted to know for ages, I might have a go and see what happens http://www.midomi.com/

I have moved here as I started tampering with the other blog and it went a bit wrong. It could be mended but would take time and effort, and I have so much to do with my time and it takes no time what so ever to make a new blog. So, seeing that I am starting a new diet, it is a good moment to start a new blog. So, WW it is, the famous point diet. I am all ready with my point calculator and WW books, so off I go, tomorrow I will post what I have done with my 18 allowed points