Day 19, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

It feels very upseting to me when you can't keep your diet. I suppose I think in your case it really is bad for your health, and it worries me. However I can understand that it is very hard not to lose weight, to be in the house all day, to not be able to do exercise, all those things together must make feeling hungry very hard to take. But you have lost weight in the past, and even if you could lose a 10% of your actual weight, your general health would really benefit. I am losing weight for other reasons than my health. It is very important for me to do so, but many a time I could just drop in the numb pleasure of stuffing myself whilst looking at some crap on the tele (like coronation street)

When I get the corrie this time I plan to bike a lot whilst I watch it.

When my cold goes I want to really have a week when I exercise a lot. I want to see if it makes a big difference to what I lose.

Anyway, my points for today are:

paella rice and a small piece of bread at espes (10) (no idea if this is true or not, but I had a small portion and really tried to make it last)

2 digestive biscuits (3)

cheese biscuits (3)

2 rounds of toast with santé cheese and onion (3)

pistachos nuts (8 units) (1 point)

tangerines x 2

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Total 20 points out of 20 points

Did not take my vitamin tablet

Did not do any exercise

2 When I put something in red, it means I did not do well.

So really get into it tomorrow, you have as much will power as any other person, you really have to get your motivations going. As I said before, I think it must be very hard for you being in the house all day, and night is the worst time, at least for me to be hungry. I am very hungry now, but, I can't bring myself to have any extra points, I might do it one day, but at the moment I feel too guilty to do it.

A motivation I would like you to have, is that I am really making a sacrifice to get myself well in every sense, so I can bit by bit travel, and eventually come to see you, lead a normal life and have a child. I would really like you to be around to witness this. But now that you are getting older and you have the weight on you,  sometimes I worry. I know that you will probably not live to be 80 (hope you do), but I would really like you to be around to share all these  moments in my life. I am aiming to look good, feel good, leave anxiety out of my life, do normal things and have a child. I really want you to share that, I really want you to be there when I am going to give birth and when my child is part of our world. So do it for me, and for dad, and of course for yourself. Go hungry even if it sucks and it will come of, you will lose weight however slowly it comes off. 

I think you are sometimes a bit like me, an "all or nothing person", which is not good. I try to be more balanced in that way, but it is hard. You don't lose weight so your reaction is to go to the other extreme and eat loads of food to compensate.

I feel like I have come to a turning. I have passed this same turning many a time, but I kept ignoring the good turn and carried on in circles. The reason I carried on in circles is because the bad turning takes you nowhere. I can spend my wholelife going round in circles, but I don't want to. I want my life back. I want a child, I want a good figure, and the freedom not to depend on others or whatever space I am in to feel okay. It is a bloody hard turning, I could just at this moment eat and eat, I am so hungry, but now that I am fully aware of what I have been doing wrong for so many years, I can't go back. Like I can't go back to going on the bike and avoiding the bus. Like in a couple of month (easter maybe) I want to go with you to the Torrelodones shopping centre where there is Zara and such shops,and buy clothes for my slimmer figure and show myself I can travel that bit further to such a shopping centre, and carry on taking more and more painful steps that after I have done them I always know that they were for the best.  As I write I feel stronger, and even angry. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to be fat, and I am SO LUCKY, that both my problems can be helped by myself and solved just by myself. Okay, I cannot avoid having panick attacks all my life (or maybe I can, but this is not the issue), but I can stop avoiding situations and making anxiety into a big snowball instead of just doing what I should: accepting the attack and going on with life instead of avoiding and making the problem 100 times worse and creating a stupid phobia. I can look after my health and live a normal life as long as I take care of myself and live a healthy life.

Now, I have been well, and I have been slim, and I can have all of that, and more. Because I deserve it, because I don't really have any sort of complex anymore. Because with hard work, all can be obtained. I will not look at my life pass by and live wishing things were different and complaining. I am going to to make that reality I want for myself instead of living it in my head. A reality where my clothes fit me, I travel, and I have a baby. I have been a 100% before, I am going to be so again.