Day 27, Operation Looking GOOD feeling GOOD

(The baby above is just from the internet)

I am not quite sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing when I went to see Paula yesterday. This morning, when I woke up, I felt an urge of happiness, like something incredible had happened, and a second later I realized that that marvelous thing wasn't even anything that had happened to me, just to somebody else. I see the mother tired, every single moment dedicated to that baby, sharing that with her husband, feeling that incredible feeling, and I feel envy and desire for that for myself. Don't get me wrong, I do feel very happy for the parents, but what I felt was envy, there is no denying it. Every now and again I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, she was so beautiful, and I just wanted my own there and then.

I told X. that I felt like crying, and he looked at me in worry, said that it was not normal, and that now I was getting better this could mean I could get worse again. I had to switch a program of the tele, as a woman was going to give birth, and I just couldn't bear to see the moment that they put it on her. I even dreamed about having babies the night before. There is one thing I am really sure about is that I want to be a mother, and that I will be a good one.

And I know he is right, no thinking or wishing, or daydreaming is neither going to make me better or get me any nearer having a baby of my own. I just have to push it out of my mind, keep it as a reference to motivate and help me do things, but no obsessing will help. Maybe if I look at those horrible teenagers I can put myself off for the time being, and just imagine that it will turn into one of those.

At least I have a very strong motivation that will help me do all the things to get better. For example, the best thing for my anxiety is yoga, pilates, taichi, exercise, and meditation. I will never go bed again without doing meditation, and one of the other things.

I think in one way when I felt happy this morning is because I can see having children as a near reality. But I am finding it very hard to stop thinking about babies, and every so often, I feel very sad and I want to cry. When this passes however, I can see having a baby in the very near future, and I feel positive.

corn cake 1
sante 0.5
cereals 2.5
tangerine 0
biscuit 1.5
lentils (3.5)
bread + 1 cheese (2.5)
corn cake (0.5)
biscuits 1.5
apple (0)
2/3 of a bran bake (1.5)
picked at some pasta of xu, not much, but I will put more points (3)

18 points out of 20 allowed

Exercise: 20 minutes bike, some pilates

Did not take vitamin tablet

So my weight is looking good, even though I would prefer to wait til Wednesday to make it official. Everything is looking good, so in that way I have to continue. Tomorrow I will have been 1 month on the diet (My god, doesn't time fly?)